“I Only Pushed You,”You Said.
“But it was in front of the children.”
“It was into the wall.”
When I picked myself up off the floor you did it again, only I collided with the bookcase the second time.
The second push left a bruise, a flashing multi coloured mark on the back of my thigh. But I brushed it off just like your words, I brushed them off too. I tried to forget but the trauma resurfaces and I relive it not just what you did but what I did or rather what I didn’t do. I lived with the shame until I learned to compartmentalise the pain, reduce it to a small hidden place but it will never go away.
Memories are like that but that’s okay because they live on as a warning for future relationships, or when you try to communicate with me or as I watch our daughters’ partners very, very closely. I watch them like a wanted poster – guilty until proven innocent.
My daughters saw and their bruises are psychological trauma that live on longer than the incident, incidents. You know there were more than one.
“How did you get the bruise mum?”She asked innocently, the one that didn’t see, did not stumble into the room, wrong place, wrong time. Our youngest saw, stumbled into the room. You had pushed me onto the bed, I was screaming and she ran into the room to save me, her mum. I morn for their youth and innocence lost.
She’s no longer angry with me because I spoiled the illusion of her father, the doting dad but with a temper – like Jekyll and Hyde that’s who I was married too. That’s who her father was, not a fictional character on a shelf but her dad who tried his best to portray happy family guy but shut the door and pull off the facade, the truth was there whether you denied it or not.
“He didn’t push you that hard,” she said after another incident in front of both of them. I don’t matter I thought, my pain does not matter. I was reduced. As lies were created I felt like nothing and lost myself to the grief of what ifs, and the shame took over crippling my self esteem. I should have left sooner, I ruined my daughters’ childhood my girls now from a broken home. I exposed my girls to domestic violence. In my own mind I became guilty and I couldn’t live with myself. I was responsible for their trauma. Just like you blamed me, I blamed me. The abuse becoming psychological trauma. We were all traumatised in one way or another.
My daughters’ experiences I regret the most as I can’t turn back time no matter how much I want to. Our family split in half, my daughters felt obliged to take sides as the gaslighting and lies continued long after the separation.
I had to let it rest, it was easier for her to believe her father was not a perpetrator. I try to think of another word but that’s what he is. I therefore became the liar during the separation because one of us had to be wrong and it may as we’ll have been me. As if we were fighting over a toy or a pet but this was my soul, my heart broken my little girl siding with her father. I didn’t ask her to choose, I was just asking for more time with her a night here and there. But he wanted soul custody and therefore I had to become the ‘bad guy.’ I’m not sure how I survived, but I did.
I’m stronger now having moved many miles far away. Our divorce is final, I’m yet to change my name. My daughters they show strength, resilience and wisdom beyond their years which they need in this quick changing world.
We share laughter and fonder memories now that time has passed.
I hope my truth is a lesson to myself, my daughters, to anyone – stop abuse at the first instance and don’t let it fester, don’t hide it, don’t dismiss it, don’t blame yourself. It’s funny how our minds do that as if the physical punishment is not enough.
In Australia we call the 1800RESPECT helpline or 1800 737 732. Save emergency numbers in your phone and walk out the door, or phone a friend and ask them to take in your abusive partner as I did. I thought I was week but I was stronger than I knew. That gives me peace today.
Surround yourself with love and good people and check on that inner voice. Find your happy place. I find mine driving along country roads observing the hills, the rich red earth of north Western Australia and the trauma behind me in the distance. On the horizon in front of me is freedom and possibilities.
‘Your thoughts become your reality so focus on the good, the positive and beautiful in life, what you focus on expands.’ 💗
Please feel free to leave your comments, you are welcome to share your views, opinions and advice. I am here to learn.
